2015 and Self-Actualization

I do my self actualization through wander and wonder.

I get and form some random questions as I hit the road. Where rainbows end? Why "verb" is a noun? How many dusts I gather under my shoes? What happened to this old lady I just passed my seat to? Does sky really have seven layers?

Sometimes I try to verbalize those thoughts, discuss them to whoever sober enough at 2 a.m. to listen to my blurry words. Other times I just bury them into the darkest valley of my head, because there's no way words can be clicked, and they remain screaming in demand to be answered.

The funny thing is, the more I let some of them go, the more empty I feel. It leads to this one conclusion: I find my peace of mind at organized chaos. Where things are the most chaotic, I gain my security. So you know, whenever I stare dead at droplets of raindrops scattered on windowpane, looking lonely, is the busiest I've ever been. Perhaps you can't see the crowds, but the noise is there; buzzing through my ears, knocking every inches of my mind.

People say that self-actualization is when you can see the world in a total new light. I used to picture those who succeed their attempts as calm wiseass who smile gracefully and nod humbly. They respond every questions without wrinkling their forehead. They walk lightly on earth, like the Buddha. Or maybe my brain dictates that self-actualization relates the most to Buddha and monks. Okay, forget my naïvety. In fact, I find a contradiction in myself. The more I do my self-actualization, the more calmness locates itself just as an exterior.

You know what they say about this. Quiet people have the loudest mind. Heaven knows I'm not going to make up a balderdash about how quiet I am. No, I ain't fool you. I'm loud as hell, as loud as silence. Those cycinals who surround me and declare themselves as my friends squeak the same thing; often their jabbers turn into sharp critiques. They repeat and amend the same mediocre comments, pointing out my flaws as if I don't already see them. Little do they know, I only show half of myself. I'm so good at masquerading. I've let some chicks unbutton this cloak of pretense and see me naked, though. They peeked through the shameful vulnerability and got me talking at the lowest degree of consciousness. They discovered my dreams and what I fear the most. In the end it made me feel fragile. These people became my Achilles' heel. And when they left, I wrenched. So it was decided, I'd only display the completely real me to some people after I learn real shits about them first.

Perhaps that was the time I started to actualize myself by intending to do so. Because feelings are temporary, nothing's guaranteed. You can shout your love to this person and wake up the next day not feeling a thing anymore. And guess what? People come and people go. They say goodbye as easily as they say hello. Dang, that rhymes! By the way, you're the one who's responsible for your own heartbreaks, you're the one who will carry the blame. You know how the cycle goes now. Some people kiss just for fun. Some people only want love if it's torture. Don't say I didn't warn ya.

See? Heart is the frailest organ our body can have. Forget those bitches who command you to follow your heart. My friends, when it breaks to million pieces, which piece you will follow?

That's why I overthink. Rational explanations do me more favor than emotional ones. Speaking over feelings will get you nowhere, but logic gives us real boundaries. Contrary to my sympathetic exterior, I can be detached to whoever close to me. Besides, we all have rights to protect ourselves from getting hurt, and I build my walls with my rational views. I have no difficulty listening to others' feelings, but I can't quite put mine into phrases. See? Words like "feeling" and "emotion" and even "mood" are foreign to me. Believe me, you tend to do the wrong things if you feel too much. You're more in tune with yourself than you are with your surroundings. You see everything from your perspective, never put yourself in other people's shoes; "I feel that..." I have met dozens or hundreds of people who are overly emotional. Not the fairest people I know. They get messy and unstable once their extreme mood swings take over. You know what? Go fuck yourself.

Yet, then again, I breathe with this firm principle: medicine, law, business, and engineering are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But beauty, love, romance, and poetry... these are what we stay alive for. The first four variables are important for you to survive life; but the rest are important for us to live life.

Of course, the "love" I mention the last isn't the kind that gets you crying on your pillows at night and ruining your mascara. My perspective on love isn't that shallow. Hell, if you look up for that word on my dictionary, you'll read definitions below:

Love is when your brother yang supermager mau jalan buat beliin lo K*i*r*a*n*t*i* (ini guna ga sih sensornya?). Love is when your friends help you to blow those damn magic candles on your birthday cake. Love is when you can steal your cousin's favourite cheesecake from their freeze. Love is the serene look on your dad's face when he sips his first cup of tea in the morning. Love is when your mom tells you a secret about her first love. Love is when you dare to pull your tooth, no matter how scared you are, because your significant others start losing their teeth too.

Confused? Me too.

Most people stand on gray area, but there are too many antonyms collide inside of me. I'm tough but shaky. I find that silence is loud. I feel my comfort by getting frantic. My Oxford entry for "self-actualization" isn't quite right either. People create juxtapositions about me, half of them are unquestionably untrue. However, oh well, my life guide teaches me the Philosophy 101: there's no truth, only perspective. It probably is the reason why I question everything, except things that relate to my faith in God. Anyway, we need black as much as we need white, for they create equilibrium the Universe craves.

And now, all I want to do is set my goals in 2015. To be more spiritual as well as intellectual, so that I can fix the system of my self-actualization. To be more grateful and sensitive with small happiness. To accept what's passed and embrace what's going to happen next. To give myself the love it deserves.

Thank you for your blessings and your lessons, 2014. I'm who I am today because of those 365 days I spent in you. Thank you, God, the Creator, the Merciful, the Absolute Truth.

2015, here I come.

Pain, Sometimes

Now I understand why
Some people are found dead
with a deep slit
cut their wrist

Now I understand why
Some people look serene
like greeting fairies from folklore
while their blood scatters on the floor

Now I understand why
Some people volunteer going to war
and come back with immortal scar
and end up dying
for souls they owe nothing

Now I understand why
Some people dare to date Elmaut
unafraid of being cursed
by running until they burst

Now I understand that
pain, sometimes
can be the only cure
for loss
and loneliness

12/11/2014, 4:14 pm

Siang ini, di sebuah Metromini

"Cause what about, what about angels? They will come, they will go, make us special."
Not About Angels - Birdy

This is gonna be a super short and useless post, but I'm writing this for a fact that writing is especially cathartic.

Berhubung hari ini, dan empat hari sebelumnya, sekolah gue ada UTS, gue sama temen-temen anak BTA yang lain konsul di BTA Taman Puring. I've been so used to doing these repetitive activities that I can't see anything anything remarkable, day to day. Tapi siang ini, di sebuah Metromini, gue menemukannya.

Tiga puluh menit sebelum gue di Metromini, gue asyik cerita-cerita dan ketawa cekakak-cekikik sama Rini Mitha Noly Cheryl Nadya, ngegosipin kepsek sendiri sampe kepsek sekolah lain, sampe Rini cerita soal mitos kuntilanak yang terbukti benar dari tontonannya di Hitam Putih. I can't write the details soalnya bakal bikin lo ga nyaman dan ga appropriate aja rasanya HAHA. Terus berhubung kita juga baru kelar bahas soal latihan buat ulangan geografi besok yang materinya Inderaja, Rini tiba-tiba nyeletuk, "Tapi bisa lho, lo nge-detect penampakan pake kamera thermal. Ada application-nya di Play Store." Lagi asyik-asyiknya ngobrolin soal "dunia lain", lampu ruang santai BTA tiba-tiba mati.

Yang lain sontak teriak, tapi gue bengong diam statis aja gitu di tempat. Trus gue ngomong, "Teguran kali, ada yang nggak suka kita omongin." I just blurted out those words without calculating the effect that soon followed. Temen-temen gue makin parno, gue juga ikutan merinding. Akhirnya kita semua turun ke ruang santai di lantai satu, tapi topik masih belum diganti. Rini yang ikut Sisga (ekskul pecinta alam di 70) malah cerita soal kejadian "spesial"-nya semasa naik gunung. Mulai dari yang disasarin lah, ada kepala di pundaknya lah, sampe orang-orang yang dia kenal yang kerasukan sampe hampir lompat tebing.

Keasyikan ngobrol, gue sama Cheryl ga nyadar kalo langit udah mendung, sedangkan bus 614 itu LAMA BANGET datengnya. Selangka itu. But Fortuna shot me with a luck. Gue sama Cheryl bahkan ga nyadar kalo ada 614 yang lewat di samping kami persis waktu lagi ngobrol pas nyebrang.

And again, we were lucky. Masih banyak tempat duduk kosong, mungkin karena belum jam pulang kantor. Gue sama Cheryl duduk di belakang seorang kakek-kakek. Di jalan, gue nunjukin beberapa toko di kanan-kiri bus like a tour guide. I love it actually, pretending to be a tourist in my own city.

Begitu Cheryl turun di Barito, gue pun gabut. Nggak ada musik, gerimis mulai turun rintik-rintik. Berhubung gue paling anti (baca: kapok) tidur di bus soalnya pernah kelewatan halte sampe nyasar dan ngerepotin Refal (luv u, Fal), gue pun menajamkan indra gue. Gue celingukan ke kanan-kiri, merhatiin kucing dan anjing di toko-toko hewan sepanjang Barito, looking out of their cage with watchful eyes and bored gesture. Pas Metro udah lewatin Barito, gue mengalihkan perhatian gue ke penumpang bus yang lain, khususnya kakek di depan gue. Dia pake kemeja kotak-kotak yang warna birunya memudar, gagang kacamatanya diselotip, dan rambutnya udah 75% memutih di bawah topi merahnya.

And as soon as I looked at his cap, I got a sudden lump in my throat. Ga tau kenapa, dia ngingetin gue sama almarhum kakek gue, yang meninggal waktu gue kelas 5 SD. I know it's been so long, tapi dari cerita bonyok dan oom dan tante gue, I was his closest granddaughter. Almost every afternoon, he took me for a walk, wearing his red cap. Dia beliin gue es krim dan mainan, dan bahkan walau my mother shot him with disapproving look as we got home, beliau ga pernah kapok beliin gue apa yang gue mau.

Gue buru-buru merhatiin hal lain, lagi males baper. Tapi ga lama kemudian, di lampu merah, si kakek manggil tukang koran yang kebetulan lewat. Dia mau beli koran Kompas, tapi harganya ternyata empat ribu. Gue udah keluarin uang gue dari saku, mau bayarin, tapi urung. Si kakek akhirnya ngambil Pos Kota, dan tukang koran ngasih potongan 500 perak.

Ga lama, Metromini jalan dan berhenti lagi. Ibu-ibu yang ada di seberang si kakek turun. Si kakek berdiri dan ngoper plastik merah bawaannya ke kursi itu, sama korannya juga, and I noticed his hands and his feet were shaking. Terus korannya pun terbang ke tangga pintu depan. Si kakek teriak-teriak ke supir Metro, minta diberhentiin, dan dia udah jongkok buat ambil korannya, tapi gara-gara banyak motor, dia ditegur sama penumpang lain yang takut beliau kesamber. Akhirnya beliau duduk lagi, itu pun dinyinyirin sama si kernet dan penumpang bitchy di belakang gue. As he sat, he looked so empty. Koran itu belum dia baca sama sekali. And for inexplicable reason, his fragile back broke my heart.

Saking emosinya sama si kernet, gue ga sadar kalo Metro belok ke tikungan yang berlawanan sama tikungan ke rumah gue. Sama penumpang cewek di depan, gue teriak-teriak minta diturunin soalnya busnya ngebut. Waktu berdiri, I nearly lost my hold from the trail, sampe gue oleng. Si kakek pun narik tangan gue, nyegah gue dari jatuh. Gue bilang makasih singkat, terlalu terpana sampe diteriakin kernetnya, "Dek, mau turun ga?!" Si kakek nepuk punggung gue, and I saw his wrinkled hand, dan gue tiba-tiba inget setiap kali gue salim ke kakek gue sebelum dan sepulang sekolah.

Gue akhirnya turun dan lari. I cried. Cewek yang tadi turun bareng gue lari nyusul gue dan tiba-tiba nepuk bahu gue dan nanya, "Kenapa nangis?" Gue cuma bisa geleng ga jelas. Ga berapa lama, si cewek ngasih gue plastik bening dari tasnya sebelum lari sambil teriak, "Duluan yaa!"

Di tengah jalan, di tengah hujan, gue bengong total.

Gue akhirnya make plastik itu buat HP gue yang udah sekarat, wondering if she was an angel, the girl who talked to me. Everybody knows the superstition. Konon, ada malaikat yang jatuh bersama bulir hujan. Makanya kalo ada hujan ga boleh ngeluh, soalnya pasti adaaa aja rezeki. Gitu sih kata nyokap gue. Selama ini gue cuma mikir kalo teorinya cuma berlaku buat tukang ojek payung, but well, now I believe that.

Gue jadi mikir. Cewek malaikat itu baik banget. Dia pasti udah niatin bakal ngasih plastik itu ke gue, dan ga ragu karena gue orang asing. She acted her intention out. Sedangkan gue... andai gue memverbalkan pikiran gue buat bayarin koran si kakek, who until now, still reminds me of my deceased grandpa.

And then I ran home, carrying my phone in a plastic bag, crying.

Akankah kaukenang, jingga cakrawala petang itu?
berkaca pada luas samudra
nyiur melambaikan salam perpisahannya pada sang surya
langkahmu menyusuri tepi kubakan
tak takut akan apa yang mungkin kautemukan

Malam itu, kutemukan bintang di bawah telapak kaki
Siapa yang berani mencurinya dari sang langit?
Malam itu, temaram bulan pun kuabaikan,
karena ada jutaan cahaya cerlang,
terpancar di bawah kanopi kafe-kafe pinggiran

Kau menamai permainan ini "menggoda ombak"
kita berlari menyusuri gelombang dan mundur perlahan-lahan
matamu berair, tersedak pasir
Dari lambai rambutmu, dan deru angin di telinga
aku tahu kita menari
aku tahu alam menabuh musik di antara pijak kaki
buih yang pecah setelah menabrak karang
akankah kau mengenangnya?

Karena akan kukenang, hangat tanganmu kala kugenggam
Akan kukenang, aroma laut yang disamarkan wangi masakan
Akan kukenang, ujung celana yang tetap basah meski kugulung
Akan kukenang, petikan gitar dan kicau burung

Kawan,
seperti malam ini, kau tak terlupakan

Jimbaran, 20 Juni 2014

Good things (never) happen to those who wait

Sebelum kening kalian mengernyit gegara bingung sama judulnya, di mana gue menjungkirbalikkan paradigma "good things happen to those who wait," let me get it clear.

Ofc, "wait" di sini konotasinya negatif. I'm a notorious waiter known for procrastinating everything in sight. Apa-apa ditunda terus. Gue selalu kepingin nyari waktu sempurna dan pas buat ngelakuin sesuatu, but the time often slips before I realize it. The thing is, people, you'll never guess what could happen next.

Kayak kondisi gue sekarang contohnya. When I faced my mirror, I saw a bleary-eyed girl with crumpled face. Fyi, gue nggak tidur semaleman. Dan itu semua karena gue... nunda-nunda kerjaan.

Tempo hari gue beli buku di Books&Beyond, terus ngopi-ngopi cantik bareng Fajri my beloved friend. Pas pulang, I was tired but I knew I could read some pages, tapi gue malah leyeh-leyeh ga guna sambil main HP. AC gue nyalain ke suhu 16. Akhirnya gue nggak dapet apa-apa. Gue nggak sempet tidur siang juga soalnya keburu maghrib.

Abis salat maghrib, nyokap beliin gue kwetiau, yang gue tunda-tunda juga penyantapannya. Gue sibuk ketak-ketik laptop, ngelarin cerbung gue di Ms. Word, sambil ngopi. I'm sorta helpless to write without coffee. Udah kelar, gue nyalain internet. Gue buka blog private gue. Gue copas tulisan di Ms. Word ke sana. Everything had gone smoothly until my laptop went blank, right before I clicked "Publish post".

Gue nyante-nyante aja tuh. Gue nyalain juga charger-nya. Nggak sampe dua menit sejak gue nge-sync charger...

listriknya mati.

Gue mulai nggak santai. Kata nyokap sih, gardu PLN deket rumah kebakar, makanya mati listrik. Ya udah. Akhirnya gue turun dan makan kwetiau. Abis itu balik lagi ke kamar, only to realize... God, I was so helpless without electricity. Gue nggak bisa baca buku. Gue nggak bisa nyalain laptop. Sampe sinyal internet gue juga ngaco.

Akhirnya gue putusin buat tidur. Gue buka jendela, biar nggak panas banget gitu biar kata AC mati. Guess what?

Banyak nyamuk.

Gue emang paling anti sama makhluk yang satu ini, akhirnya gue tutup jendela. The situation happen next fulfilled my bet. Panasnya minta ampun ya Tuhan. Gara-gara nggak tahan, gue pun ke kamar adik gue dan ngambil Baygon.

"Eh, mau lo bawa ke mana Baygon-nya?!" Tiba-tiba adek gue bangun.

"Nyemprot nyamuk," jawab gue setengah hati.

"Tolol. Lo mau rumah kita kebakaran?"

Asli, gue udah tertohok banget sama omongan nyolotnya itu, but I found the thought made sense. Iya ya. Di sekeliling rumah lagi banyak lilin. Banyak api. Semprot minyak tanah mah sama aja cari mati.

Finally I went back to my bedroom and tried to sleep. I failed miserably.

Lalu gue inget gue udah nenggak dua gelas  kopi seharian ini.

Gue pun terlentang menatap langit-langit. Nyamuk-nyamuk ngerubung gue. Perut gue keroncongan. Mana malem-malem kayak ada yang jalan di atap gue, pula. I haven't slept. Hingga sekarang.

Gue jadi mikir, what if I had worked my ass off earlier? What if I had typed my stories once I got home? What if I hadn't drunk that goddamn coffee?

Now you meet my endless what-if list.

Bukan sekali ini aja sih gue kena masalah gara-gara kopi. Beberapa minggu lalu, gue kepingin banget cappucino cincau di sekitar rumah gue. Nggak deket, tapi nggak jauh juga. Kayak dari Bulungan ke Blok M Square gitu lah jaraknya. Akhirnya gue ke sana, jam 12, panas-panasan, dan guess what?

Tokonya belom buka, nyet.

Berhubung gue orangnya harus ngedapetin apa yang gue idamkan kalo udah setengah jalan, gue pun mikirin cara lain. Gue ke minimarket di belakang tukang capucin, beli kopi sendiri, dan pulang. Gue beli es batu dan getok sendiri. Gue bikin kopinya sendiri. Gue masukin es batunya, dannn....

Gelasnya kesenggol siku gue sampe jatoh.

Seakan belom cukup sial, nyokap gue ngamuk dan nyuruh gue ngepel+cuci barang-barang yang kena kopi gue. Gue laksanakan juga titah baginda. Sambil nangis-nangis bombay ceritanye. Kelar cuci piring dan ngepel, gue bikin kopi lagi. Dari awal. Gue bawa ke kamar gue. Pas gue mau ambil buku, gue sadar badan gue lengket sama keringat dan sisa tumpahan kopi.

Seogah-ogahnya gue, gue tetep mandi. As always sih, I made wrong choice.

Pas gue kelar mandi, kopi kedua gue udah dirubung semut.

Here came my earlier what-ifs. What if I had drunk that coffee before I bathed? Mungkin bakalan worth the struggle.

Itu baru yang berkaitan sama kopi. Minggu ini, entah udah berapa waktu yang gue abisin buat hal-hal yang sia-sia. Senin kemarin, gue bolos demi bikin KTP. Pas udah sampe di kelurahan, orangnya bilang belom bisa bikin KTP kalo belom ultah. Kamis-nya, waktu ada event lomba menyambut ultah 70 sekolah kami tercinta, hampir sekelas gue pada cabut. Gue masuk soalnya nggak enak kan, udah bolos sehari.

Sekelas gue akhirnya cuma sembilan orang yang masuk dan guru-guru terlalu sibuk ngurusin lomba. Akhirnya gue gabut 8 jam. Gue tidur-tiduran. Gue ngobrol ngalor ngidul sampe pulang. Gerbang baru dibuka jam tiga lantaran satpam yang jagain ikut lomba voli. And it was too late to go to Books&Beyond and do my bookshopping. Pas di jalan, gue lupa gue belom ngerjain tugas akuntansi gue yang bejibun. Akhirnya gue pulang, berlinangan air mata, cursing both my stupidity and my teacher's lies. Katanya pulangnya jam 12. Bullshit.

Berhubung gue udah terlanjur nggak mood parah, gue bolos kursus Prancis gue. Gue curhat ke Fadli, my lovely psychologist to be yang sekarang S2 di salah satu PTN terkemuka (nggak setermuka UI, tetep:p). Katanya, gue butuh hippo time.

I actually had no idea what hippo time was, so I Googled it. Fadli orangnya nyolot, kalo gue nggak tau pasti dicak-cakin bego. Padahal teori labelling itu dilarang dan fatal. Gimana sih lo.

Anyway, hippo time ternyata, harfiah gampangnya, "berkubang" dulu dalam kesedihan kita. Ngasih diri kita waktu sebelum menapak tahap SUMO: Shut Up and Move On. Waktu gue pamerin kecerdasan superfisial gue ke Fadli, doi bilang, "Manusia sama kuda nil tuh 11/12. Kuda nil berkubang, manusia berkabung." He stated something original, like ever, and his saying made into my favourite quotations list.

Dan lo tau lah, apa yang gue lakuin di masa-masa hippo time gue.

Yak, procrastinating.

Once again, I drowned in grieve begitu sadar kerjaan gue nggak kelar. Sebelum gue ngetik post ini pun, gue SMS Fadli, and wise as ever, he said, "Nothing to lose kok Cha."

Dan gue kayak, "I lost lots of time."

Dia bales, "You didn't lose what you've learned, though. And you've got another story to tell."

His advice opened my eyes. So I here I am, writing this story, nungguin listriknya nyala (udah sebelas jam woy matinya), hoping I don't lose anything anymore.

Kids, don't procrastinate. I'm serious. It's bad for your health. Good things never come to those who wait. Good things happen to those who work their asses out.

Do it now. Sometime "later" becomes "never".

Great things are coming

Hi, guys. Maaf kalo title blog ini terkesan sedikit narsis (atau nggak "sedikit"?). But for me, great things are really coming. I've been spending the last three months keeping out touch of this blog for these beauties (and other beauties as well).

1. Buku baru kedelapan dan kesembilan.
The left one is the 8th. It was called Nathan's Secret actually, tapi karena kebijakan editor (cieh), dipersingkat jadi Bluish #2 aja. Nunggu "kelahiran"-nya selama dua tahun sejak kontrak, so it's really my first baby in two years, since my last solo book in 2012. Ceritanya masih lanjutan dari Bluish #1 yang terbit tahun 2012, kelanjutan petualangan our legendary rockin' Blue Gill, masih berpusat pada kegiatan nge-band Blue bersama Bluish dan aktivitas di asrama Champion yang jauh dari kata "biasa". Yang membedakan dari buku pertama, mungkin konfliknya lebih belibet dan Nathan... well, he transformed a bit from the first book. But I'll bet you love the newer him. Dan buat yang belum beli Bluish #1, don't worry, semua ceritanya (akan ada empat buku di seri Bluish) beda kok walau satu seri. Mungkin kamu bakal butuh adaptasi dengan semua karakter, but one reader told me she could read without any problems. Jadi penasaran malah, sama buku pertamanya.

Jangan lupa dibeli ya guys!

The right one... baru terbit Agustus bulan lalu. Pertama kali ngeliat cover-nya, I was horrendous and beyond speechless, soalnya gap waktu terbit antara beliau (?) dan Bluish #2 cuma selang tiga bulan. And it's my 4th book coming this year, so yeah, call me undeniably fortunate.

The story revolves around Emmeline, atau Emma, atau Em, cewek 14 tahun anak diplomat yang keluarganya terpisah-pisah jauh. Karena suatu masalah, Em depresi dan memutuskan kabur dari rumah dengan tuntunan sebuah jurnal yang isinya teka-teki tantangan mengelilingi beberapa negara. Kalau Em sukses ke tujuan akhir, Em bisa ketemu sama si pembuat jurnal. Em mengubah namanya menjadi Seinee, menyamar menjadi cewek yang nggak tahu apa-apa soal traveling, dan di salah satu destinasi pertama di tantangan jurnal, dia bertemu dengan Kent dan Rae, yang menjadi partner seperjalanannya.

Pertanyaannya: apakah garis finish benar-benar ada... atau hanya eksis dalam harapan seorang Emma?

Baca kisah lengkapnya di Journal of Parisien Girl! ;D

2. Pentas teater.
It's my 7th theatrical performance, the 3rd one for Festival Teater SLTA, walau dari ketujuh-tujuhnya itu, gue cuma main empat kali. Di sini gue berperan jadi seksi properti bersama hunny bunny sweety Tyas, dan kalo mau tau riwehnya jadi tim produksi, bisa scroll down sedikit.

Semua keterangan tentang pementasan bisa dilihat di poster di atas. Ayu ini ceritanya... tentang seorang anak yang ayahnya bisu dan di-bully sama temen-temennya. Sebisa mungkin gue menjadi objektif di sini, menurut gue it's a show worth watching.

Kalo ada yang mau beli tiket, bisa hubungi gue juga di ID Line Eshawn atau via BBM 7DCEBC48.

C u there! :D

Agustus, Oh Agustus

Agustus adalah bulan dari banyak awal dan akhir di hidup gue. Awal jadi anak kelas 12 yang dikit lagi UN, awal semua migrain dan keluhan capek, awal kegilaan dan adaptasi. August wasn't intentionally easy for me. In fact, it was painstakingly hard that I thought at some moment or another I'd reach the point where I would break down to pieces.

It didn't happen, though. Semuanya baik-baik aja sampe sekarang. Kalo nggak, mungkin gue nggak akan nulis blog penuh bunga ini. Just like this legendary quote someone always assures me to believe, "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end."

Terlalu banyak yang terjadi di bulan Agustus sampai gue sendiri bingung mau nulis dari mana. Awal masuk sekolah setelah hampir dua bulan (libur akhir semester+libur lebaran) leha-leha di rumah. Begitu masuk, BOOM, langsung dihajar tugas-tugas. Guru-guru pada tancep gas. Temen-temen gue kocar-kacir cari tempat bimbel meanwhile gue masih labil mau ikut bimbel atau nggak.

Hari pertama masuk aja gue udah dikasih kejutan. Tahun lalu, kelas tiga nggak diacak muridnya, jadi masih sama kayak kelas dua. Jadilah gue ngaso dan santai-santai aja. Nggak taunya diacak. Adaptasi sama kelas baru, sama suasana dan temen-temen baru. Not especially easy for me yang udah sangat betah dan klop di XIS-1. Everything's okay in the end, tetep. I make friends and the process somewhat is really fun, since I enjoy meeting new people.

Adaptasi juga sama guru-gurunya, dan jujur, yang ini gue lumayan jet lag. Hampir semua guru gue diganti, guru-guru kelas dua kesayangan gue yang santai selalu:') Dan sekarang, I gotta deal with guru yang hampir selalu ngasih tugas tiap pertemuan. Sehari bisa ada enam tugas yang ngabisin berlembar-lembar folio. Tau sih, maksudnya biar kami belajar soalnya udah deket UN, tapi lumayan babak belur juga. Jangankan buat main, deh, buat napas atau nyantai aja kadang susah cari celah.

Ngerti kan, kenapa sekarang gue jarang update blog? Menuntaskan tulisan wajib gue yang mungkin bisa di-publish secara cetak aja jarang banget ada waktu:')

Agustus juga jadi awal mula bagi ekskul baru gue, PMR 70. Sebenernya dulu udah ada PMR, cuma entah benang merahnya putus di mana, ekskul itu sempet mati suri, dan yang membangun adalah gue, Tyas, Lisa, Fianu, Raka, Winona, Zakky, Ulva, Wina, Trisna, Candrika, Aul, Zikra, Ayu, Nisa, Hana, Sofi. Hafal kan gue 17-nya yay! We're a new family, guys:') The struggle, again, wasn't the easiest one either. Kita berulang kali debat, ketemuan pas lagi liburan buat bahas proposal, nyerahin proposal, disuruh revisi, bikin lagi, debat lagi, begitu siklusnya. Sampe akhirnya kunci ruang PMR ada di tangan lagi... rasanya tuh, wah, nggak sia-sia perjuangan. Anyway, gue di sini sebagai sekretaris (lagi), yang job description sehari-harinya pacaran sama laptop dan kertas dan printer.

Agustus juga officially menjadi garis start perjuangan tim produksi Ayu, pentas Teater 70 yang bakal diadain tanggal 15 September 2014 di GJRS Bulungan nanti. Gue sama temen sehidup tapi tidak sejomblo gue, Tyas, kelimpungan nyari properti, dan berhubung gue juga sekretaris di Teater70, things ain't that simple karena kerjaan gue makin banyak. Biar kata kami nggak baru-baru ini terjun ke bisnis(?) properti itu, tapi jadi challenge tersendiri bikoz kami bener-bener ngelakuin semuanya sendiri tanpa bantuan alumni. Nggak papalah, udah terlatih tangan ini sejak ngapus lukisan di kain plastik segede layar bioskop pake kerikan waktu Mimesasiso ya, Yas:') Ayo lanjutkan perjuangan.

I also say hello untuk bimbel baru gue, BTA 70 yang ngambil kelas hari Sabtu di sekolah. Tadinya mau GO sih cuma nggak dapet kelas Senin-Rabu jadi ya sudahlah:') Hari pertama bimbel, gue mesti diseret dari tempat tidur sampe mewek sama nyokap saking capeknya. Mana placement test-nya susah banget pula-_- Gue yakin nilai gue bukan nol lagi, tapi minus.

I still join my French class in Institut Français d'Indonésie, setiap Selasa dan Kamis jam 5 sore, yang bikin badan makin ngerentek, dan guru gue tersayang yang udah biasa ghe curhatin pun ganti jadi guru alumni 70 yang nggak mau pake bahasa Indonesia kalo ngajar dan parahnya, bisa baca pikiran orang. Creepy banget nggak sih? Gue mesti ngejar semua ketertinggalan gue soalnya frankly, dengan jadwal padat gue rada keteteran dan nggak nyempetin diri praktikin Prancis, padahal gue udah level B1. Udah intermediate.

When there's hello, there's goodbye, and I waved mine to kursus bahasa Inggris gue di ILP. Padahal tinggal 5 level, 10 bulan lagi menuju Proficiency, level final di ILP. Rasanya rada gimanaaa gitu, udah tiga tahun setiap Senin-Rabu selalu ke sana, sekarang harus pulang. Kadang nongkrong dulu sih di Sevel seberang, sekadar mengenang kejayaan masa lalu. Nggak bisa tenang dan harus cepat-cepat pulang juga, secara gue punya setumpuk PR dan too many memories I couldn't rewind without getting teary-eyed.

The second goodbye went to my beloved, tapi yang ini nggak usah diceritain, ya. I still love you even that we don't talk anymore and that's all you need to know, pal.

Sapaan ke hal-hal jelek dan perpisahan ke hal-hal indah lumayan bikin gue frustasi. Agustus mungkin adalah bulan di mana gue paling sering bangun tidur dengan mata bengkak kek kena baking powder. Namun segalanya berubah saat negara api menyerang, eh, saat ada mention di twitter yang bilang kalo buku kesembilan gue bakal diterbitin! Selasa dua minggu lalu, ah I remember it all too well. The news felt like fresh breeze, right when I thought I'd die from despair.

Last July, I also got a boy kitten who I named Chico. Nggak usah ditanya lah dapet dari mana, lukanya masih baru nih, belom sembuh bener. Nah, now you get an idea.

Sebenernya namanya Chico Oreo Adhitama, cuma nggak tau kenapa nyokap gue manggilnya Chico Choc (baca: Cikocok) dengan logat sangat Betawi. Semua orang manggil doi gitu, deh.

Things got brighter and brighter since then. Hari-hari gue lumayan cerah dan gue udah mulai menyesuaikan diri dengan ritme kehidupan baru gue. Mau nangis melulu mbok ya capek, mending ikhlas dan jalanin aja. I suppose that perjuangan gue belum ada apa-apanya. Masih newbie banget.

Jalan masih panjang di depan. Masih bakal banyak air mata dan keringat yang harus gue simpen sebagai stok.

Hail and farewell, August. Thanks for teaching me experiences and being nice.

Hello, September. Hope you can put up with me:)