I do my self actualization through wander and wonder.
I get and form some random questions as I hit the road. Where rainbows end? Why "verb" is a noun? How many dusts I gather under my shoes? What happened to this old lady I just passed my seat to? Does sky really have seven layers?
Sometimes I try to verbalize those thoughts, discuss them to whoever sober enough at 2 a.m. to listen to my blurry words. Other times I just bury them into the darkest valley of my head, because there's no way words can be clicked, and they remain screaming in demand to be answered.
The funny thing is, the more I let some of them go, the more empty I feel. It leads to this one conclusion: I find my peace of mind at organized chaos. Where things are the most chaotic, I gain my security. So you know, whenever I stare dead at droplets of raindrops scattered on windowpane, looking lonely, is the busiest I've ever been. Perhaps you can't see the crowds, but the noise is there; buzzing through my ears, knocking every inches of my mind.
People say that self-actualization is when you can see the world in a total new light. I used to picture those who succeed their attempts as calm wiseass who smile gracefully and nod humbly. They respond every questions without wrinkling their forehead. They walk lightly on earth, like the Buddha. Or maybe my brain dictates that self-actualization relates the most to Buddha and monks. Okay, forget my naïvety. In fact, I find a contradiction in myself. The more I do my self-actualization, the more calmness locates itself just as an exterior.
You know what they say about this. Quiet people have the loudest mind. Heaven knows I'm not going to make up a balderdash about how quiet I am. No, I ain't fool you. I'm loud as hell, as loud as silence. Those cycinals who surround me and declare themselves as my friends squeak the same thing; often their jabbers turn into sharp critiques. They repeat and amend the same mediocre comments, pointing out my flaws as if I don't already see them. Little do they know, I only show half of myself. I'm so good at masquerading. I've let some chicks unbutton this cloak of pretense and see me naked, though. They peeked through the shameful vulnerability and got me talking at the lowest degree of consciousness. They discovered my dreams and what I fear the most. In the end it made me feel fragile. These people became my Achilles' heel. And when they left, I wrenched. So it was decided, I'd only display the completely real me to some people after I learn real shits about them first.
Perhaps that was the time I started to actualize myself by intending to do so. Because feelings are temporary, nothing's guaranteed. You can shout your love to this person and wake up the next day not feeling a thing anymore. And guess what? People come and people go. They say goodbye as easily as they say hello. Dang, that rhymes! By the way, you're the one who's responsible for your own heartbreaks, you're the one who will carry the blame. You know how the cycle goes now. Some people kiss just for fun. Some people only want love if it's torture. Don't say I didn't warn ya.
See? Heart is the frailest organ our body can have. Forget those bitches who command you to follow your heart. My friends, when it breaks to million pieces, which piece you will follow?
That's why I overthink. Rational explanations do me more favor than emotional ones. Speaking over feelings will get you nowhere, but logic gives us real boundaries. Contrary to my sympathetic exterior, I can be detached to whoever close to me. Besides, we all have rights to protect ourselves from getting hurt, and I build my walls with my rational views. I have no difficulty listening to others' feelings, but I can't quite put mine into phrases. See? Words like "feeling" and "emotion" and even "mood" are foreign to me. Believe me, you tend to do the wrong things if you feel too much. You're more in tune with yourself than you are with your surroundings. You see everything from your perspective, never put yourself in other people's shoes; "I feel that..." I have met dozens or hundreds of people who are overly emotional. Not the fairest people I know. They get messy and unstable once their extreme mood swings take over. You know what? Go fuck yourself.
Yet, then again, I breathe with this firm principle: medicine, law, business, and engineering are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But beauty, love, romance, and poetry... these are what we stay alive for. The first four variables are important for you to survive life; but the rest are important for us to live life.
Of course, the "love" I mention the last isn't the kind that gets you crying on your pillows at night and ruining your mascara. My perspective on love isn't that shallow. Hell, if you look up for that word on my dictionary, you'll read definitions below:
Love is when your brother yang supermager mau jalan buat beliin lo K*i*r*a*n*t*i* (ini guna ga sih sensornya?). Love is when your friends help you to blow those damn magic candles on your birthday cake. Love is when you can steal your cousin's favourite cheesecake from their freeze. Love is the serene look on your dad's face when he sips his first cup of tea in the morning. Love is when your mom tells you a secret about her first love. Love is when you dare to pull your tooth, no matter how scared you are, because your significant others start losing their teeth too.
Confused? Me too.
Most people stand on gray area, but there are too many antonyms collide inside of me. I'm tough but shaky. I find that silence is loud. I feel my comfort by getting frantic. My Oxford entry for "self-actualization" isn't quite right either. People create juxtapositions about me, half of them are unquestionably untrue. However, oh well, my life guide teaches me the Philosophy 101: there's no truth, only perspective. It probably is the reason why I question everything, except things that relate to my faith in God. Anyway, we need black as much as we need white, for they create equilibrium the Universe craves.
And now, all I want to do is set my goals in 2015. To be more spiritual as well as intellectual, so that I can fix the system of my self-actualization. To be more grateful and sensitive with small happiness. To accept what's passed and embrace what's going to happen next. To give myself the love it deserves.
Thank you for your blessings and your lessons, 2014. I'm who I am today because of those 365 days I spent in you. Thank you, God, the Creator, the Merciful, the Absolute Truth.
2015, here I come.
